Boundaries? Seriously, everyone need them!
Ok, y'all, I get people naked for a living, so I HAVE to have some (or a lot) boundaries in place. Having an understanding of boundaries isn't something I've always been good at (like a lot of us, right?). However, because I’m a boudoir and erotic photographer, I've done a great deal of work on myself to understand my own boundaries and how to apply boundaries in my work. I spoke on the topic as a keynote speaker at The Boudoir Summit in 2023. I could not do the work I do if I wasn’t clear on my boundaries, clear with myself and clear with my clients.
In the world of photography, particularly in the boudoir and erotic realms, boundaries are paramount. As a photographer, I’m entrusted with capturing intimate moments and preserving clients' trust. Establishing clear boundaries is crucial for both parties to feel safe, respected, and comfortable throughout the entire process.
Growing up and well into adulthood, I was not taught healthy boundaries. I think many (maybe most) of us weren’t. It’s really not something that many families, schools, and society in general made much mention of. Let me tell you, this has and will cause turmoil in your personal life so if you don’t have them at a personal level, imagine what it could do for your business. To get to a place where we can truly understand and set our own boundaries, first of all, we truly need to tune in and know ourselves. Do you have a relationship with yourself? Are you being true to yourself, you know, like living authentically. That’s a whole other blog post!
The better you are as a human being, the better you can serve others.
So, if you are an aspiring boudoir or erotic photographer or a would-be client and struggle with boundaries, read on because this is especially for you (although it will help everyone) because boundaries are essentially guidelines that define personal space, physical touch, emotional well-being, and financial expectations. They help prevent misunderstandings, protect individuals from harm, and foster a harmonious working relationship. Clear boundaries allow both parties to navigate the intimate nature of boudoir and erotic photography with respect and professionalism.
What Are Positive Boundaries?
First off, let's establish what a positive boundary is-it's a way to communicate one person's needs and wants to another person and have that definitive line that you will not let others cross over by disrespecting those needs and wants. These boundaries go both ways. Being able to say no and accepting when someone else says no, too.
Sometimes we let our boundaries bend a little, then a little more until we get so frustrated we scream 'hell no.' The idea is to stop someone before it gets to that point.
Types of Boundaries You May Need
When we talk about boundaries, there are a couple you need to keep in mind. We don't always think of boundaries as being individual territories that need to be addressed. Instead, a lot of us are just like, treat me with respect, and I'm ok. You can't just paint it with a single, wide brush and call it good. That's how your boundaries get pushed in little by little until they break, and you're left wondering what the hell just happened. So, let's take a look at the different boundaries and what they mean.
Physical boundaries
Physical boundaries protect your space, body, and your right not to be touched. It defines your right to privacy and how to meet your physical needs. They let other people know how close they can get to you and what kind of physical touch, if any, is ok and they let others know how to behave in your personal space.
This boundary should be like the beach, marked with tidal zones with flags, buoys, and signs saying, 'Don't go beyond this point!' Cleary define that your body and personal space belong to you.
This to consider:
How do you address if someone sits or stand uncomfortably close to you
You choose whether you shoot alone or with an assistant
You decide how physical to shoot
Do you let clients bring someone
I think it's always a good idea never to touch your clients. Ever. If you need to demonstrate a pose, you can do that without touching clients. (There are times where moving a stray hair or tucking in a tag would be acceptable, but consent needs to be given.)
It's also important for a photographer, and clients, to understand 18 USC §§ 2257 and 2257A before doing any erotic photography or using any BDSM element in even a boudoir session that may have themes of implied or actual self-pleasure, sexual acts, bondage, and restriction of movement (any kind of rope play, cuffs, collars).
When I shoot, clients need to understand that I must keep copies of their IDs along with all the photos for 7 years. I want to make sure they understand that after the shoot, I cannot delete the files no matter what happens.
Very few people have been persecuted, and I have never heard of a boudoir or erotica photographer ever being asked for records. The FBI can no longer demand access by way of random inspections. They must have a warrant issued by a court upon probable cause which would be if a client were underage. Even though my clients are general in their 40’s-70’s, I still follow the regulations. (Thanks Tracy Lords!)
Emotional Boundaries
Mental or emotional boundaries defend your right to your own feelings and thoughts. You're entitled not to have those feelings criticized or invalidated. And that you don't have to take care of other people's feelings.
Emotional boundaries clearly define your feelings from another's. Making you responsible for your own feelings while not being responsible for theirs. Meaning you don't have to own other people's shit, but they don't have to own yours, either.
Establishing solid boundaries helps keep us emotionally safe by respecting each other's feelings and not oversharing personal information that is inappropriate for the level of intimacy of the relationship.
This boundary gets a little tricky for sexuality professionals when deciphering emails, DMs, and other communication.
Things to consider:
Do you have the ability to address if you feel uncomfortable with a topic?
Only use terminology that your client is comfortable with
Let the client know that if they feel uncomfortable with anything during the session. they do not have to follow through with them during the shoot
Financial Boundaries
Financial and material boundaries protect your financial resources and possessions. Initially, it's hard for photographers to set firm boundaries because they just want to get clients in the door. They think some money is better than no money. So, you may have a set price but find yourself constantly discounting it, then feeling bitter over it down the road.
You have to establish a price that accounts for your cost of doing business, your cost of goods, your time before, during, and after the shoot at a rate that commiserates with your skill level, market value, and demand-and stick by it, and hey, an IRA is nice too!
Things to consider:
Clients may pay for conveniences, charging properly for milage.
Your pricing and negotiations
Add on’s - I personally do not do much of this. I feel like it nickel and dimes my clients.
How do you handle clients that ask for re-edits, rescheduling, retrieving images for clients after delivery?
Time Boundaries
Time boundaries are respectful of your time. They prevent you from agreeing to do things you don't want to do, have people waste your time, and being overworked. This means things like not scheduling unnecessary, unpaid client calls that aren't included in the photo package.
Things to consider:
Do you have a spouse and kids and need to reserve evenings for family time?
What are your hours for calls and emails, sessions
How long do you shoot?
Non-negotiable boundaries
Know what your non-negotiable boundaries are. These are your 'deal-breakers'. These should be things that, if they happen, the client/photographer relationship ends. These are each persons personal boundaries. It’s important to know exactly what causes a session to end. Personally, I have mine listed in my contract. We all need non-negotiables. But be careful of adding too many to your list. When you do, they lose their value and become less important.
I travel all over the country, discussing this and much more regarding the importance of boundaries. You have to have them in your life to respect yourself and teach others to respect you and keep you safe from harm.
Where Does That Leave Us?
So many of us are programmed not to have good boundaries, which is especially harmful when it comes to physical boundaries and emotional boundaries. We're trained to succumb to our elders and those in 'power', women to submit to men, and the list goes on. It takes a lot of deprogramming to get those beliefs out of your head and realize that you deserve to have boundaries.
Personally, because I didn’t have healthy boundaries for so long, I lost myself along life’s way. I mean, I truly did. I gave up so much of who I was because I was seeking love and validation from others. I became someone totally different from who I truly was at my core. I was a people pleaser. I’ll be sharing more of my story in the coming year!
As a photographer working in this genre where there is so much sexual chemistry and mood going on, you must always respect your clients' boundaries and be clear about your own. And as a client, you must voice yours, even if it means that you changed your mind in the middle of a shoot and don't want to go as far as you did when booking the session.
Always set limits and expectations but don't be afraid to change them if something makes you uncomfortable in the moment. If you have questions, contact me, and I will get back to you as soon as possible.