Jonah Hill and Therapy Buzzwords: When Are They Ok?
Over the weekend, beginning July 7, the internet was on fire with the unveiling of texts between professional surfer Sarah Brady and her ex-boyfriend, actor Jonah Hill. What had the world all stirred up over the relationship between these two?
Hill’s use of therapy buzzwords as a means to control and manipulate.
So much good has occurred over the past several years as more and more people have sought out therapy as a means to heal and improve their mental health. With the use of websites like BetterHelp, therapy with licensed professionals is more assessable than ever. However, there is a negative side to all of it too.
People who abuse the means of therapy to justify their negative behavior or attempt to mask their narcissistic ways.
Often these people haven’t even been to therapy themselves. They’ve just latched on to the words that have been popularized and lack the knowledge of how to use them properly, to begin with.
Many mental health professionals recoil at the incorrect usage of “trauma,” “gaslighting,” “boundaries,” “trigger,” and even made-up words like “mother wound,” says Jacquelyn Tenaglia, a licensed mental health counselor.
Using the terms incorrectly cheapens the meaning of the well-intentioned use of therapy-speak. Jonah Hill’s texts are a perfect example of what abuse looks like.
So why is what he said so wrong? During the time that Jonah pursued Sarah, he often complimented the pictures of her on the beach or on her surfboard. Because she is a professional surfer, her job is literally to wear a bathing suit. Geezus, it’s her fucking uniform, ok? You can’t surf in a suit of armor.
(image - @sarahbrady via Instagram)
Of course, Hill approved of the photos before they began dating, but it was a whole other story when they became exclusive, and suddenly he became possessive. His texts prove that he used therapy buzzwords as coercive control, a very real aspect of emotional abuse.
Yes, Make an Exit Plan!
It started with him asking her to remove all photos of her in a thong from her Instagram. And she did, to which he replied it was a “good start,” but she didn’t seem to “get his point.” The worst part of all, in my opinion, is how he talks down to her at the end when he says, “it’s not my place to teach you,” as though he is the great enlightened one but is showing her grace by not lording his power over her (which is false narrative).
That should have been a red flag to get the fuck out right then and there. But most women are conditioned to conform to their partner’s beliefs of what is right or wrong in the relationship. We overlook those red flags and just think, “Ooh, pretty,” or that it’s a sign he really cares and keep going about our way.
As the 21 Jump Street star continued to push his demands that she follow his rules (ahem, live within his “boundaries”) she began to see that he was not the feminist he claimed to be. Sarah said it was “laughable” that Hill “calls himself a feminist,” while labeling him a “misogynist narcissist” instead.
The thing with boundaries, though, is that they aren’t meant to manipulate other people.
Boundaries intended to keep you safe. Your well-being in check. Not say it makes me feel insecure when you’re doing normal everyday things and just living your life so you can’t do x, y, and z if you want to be with me. Nobody needs that shit, I don’t care who you are.
His demands didn’t stop with what she could and couldn’t post on social media. He even decided what friends were appropriate for her to see and how she could see them. This is a classic narcissist move–trying to alienate your partner from friends and family as well as you from your source of income.
He knew who she was and what her profession was when he pursued her. He knew she had sponsorships and modeling jobs that involved posing in bathing suits. He knew that her social media account was mostly her surfing in (gasp) various bathing suits.
He waited until they were together to say these things were outside his boundaries. Her profession, her means of supporting herself, didn’t fit within the confines of his idea of a healthy relationship, and if she didn’t meet his criteria, it was a lack of trust-even though she wasn’t the one who changed, he was.
He hid his jealousy, his need to control, behind popular therapy-speak to justify his warped sense of what made a healthy relationship. Which is laughable at best.
And while this put a very public male figure on blast, don’t think for one minute that normal everyday men and women all around the world aren’t doing this too. Let this be the light that shines on behavior you never want to see in your relationship. As Brady warns, “This is a warning to all girls. If your partner is talking to you like this, make an exit plan. Call me if you need an ear.”
And as far as when it’s ok to use therapy buzzwords for your actions? If you’re using them to excuse your behavior or make rules-it’s not. It is never ok.